I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Forty-two percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

One nice thing about egotists — they don't talk about other people.

If you go to a bookstore and ask a salesperson where the self-help section is, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Wear short sleeves — support your right to bare arms!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If you aren’t making waves, you aren’t kicking hard enough.

Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If you don't care where you are, you aren't lost.

Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A lady is one who only shows her underwear intentionally.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.

Teamwork is essential — it allows you to blame someone else.

Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

Cancer cures smoking.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

We should all help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Drugs have helped teach an entire generation of American kids the metric system.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

As the Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

A cynic smells the flowers and then looks for the casket.

Committee — a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Don't take life so seriously. It's not permanent.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Guru: One who knows more jargon than you.

Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same thing.

No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.

A hospital bed is like a parked taxi with the meter running.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's because she changes it more often.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Life is like a dog-sled team. If you aren’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Education is going to college to learn to express your ignorance in scientific terms.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Any given computer program, if running, is obsolete.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Nonconformists are all alike.

I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Down with gravity!

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If you can't be kind, be vague.

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

How can there be "self-help groups."

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I've always wanted to work in the Department of Redundancy Department.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Twenty-four hours in a day. Twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.